CHOOSING CHANGE

It dawned on me the other day that I will be 30 in less than a week... full disclosure, it was 3 weeks ago when I started typing this, which really makes me feel a lot of things. But, no worries, on to the point. 

30. 

A new decade. 

I am pretty f*&$ing excited to be turning 30. I feel like everyone talks about how they started to figure life out at 30... which I am starting to feel also so I would say we are on a good track. 

A while back I wrote a '30 before 30' list... 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30. It seemed reasonable at the time however, I realized that while I want to do many of the things on the list they were on it more as filler than as actual life enhancing, soul enriching acts. 

Most of the items on my list have to do with my desire to be a well rounded badass woman. I want to learn to sharpen my knives (wet stones are in my Amazon cart as I type this and I did a practice round with one of the knife nerdy chefs at work). I want to bake sour dough bread- I am making a go at this right now, though with gluten free flour... so we shall see how things go.  I took a fermentation class and I have been writing letters to friends each week. All of these things are on my list and I feel rather accomplished being able to cross them off. Though there are still things I need to work on... such as having a good self care practice and changing mental patterns that no longer serve me.  

The biggest change in my 29th year (aside from moving across the country, abandoning my career and starting over in a city that is sinking) is that I started seeing a Coach... kind of like seeing a therapist but much less fuzzy feeling. I used to see a therapist which was lovely. I would cry and leave feeling like doors had been opened and I had uncovered somethings while being sympathized with for an hour. Therapy is delightful in my opinion. Coaching is also delightful... and frustrating... and challenging. I still cry and then Jon challenges that response, to get at the thing behind the thing, the choices that I am making, have made, will make etc. Sure, my past is my past, it shaped me, but I am choosing to live out of that place. Coaching is a tool I am using to change my mindset. That is what this is. Therapy was peeling back layers, Coaching is ripping off the bandaid(s). 

In the week ahead I am committing to take time, set aside, to think about who I am, what I want, who I want to be (what I will do to be that person and what will come out of that place). In the past I was able to talk about these things. Eloquently writing sentences that would lead you to believe I had truly figured things out and change was on the horizon. But do you know? When it comes to actually choosing the change I felt fear rocking me back to sleep. Change is waking up and staying away. Change is choosing your life and being present to witness it. And so, with that I will simply say- 

Good morning world. It is lovely to see you again. 

HABIT

I started reading this book yesterday. It is all about Habits, why we have them, what they are for, how we change them etc etc etc. As I read the introduction I was convicted about all the unconscious habits I have that are harming my life. Things that on their own seem small but when they are added up their tiny ripples turn into a tsunami. 

We all have habits- both good and bad- that we aren't even aware of. 

My question is, what will it take to change them? Obviously this is part of my motivation for reading the book... also I am constantly curious about why people do the things they do so reading stories of compulsion and change is incredibly motivating. 

I feel like I've gotten really bad at forming new (and improved) habits and that I have gotten really good at keeping old habits lying around. Don't get me wrong, I believe this is something I can change (creating a habit of forming better habits... like habit inception) but I know it will be hard. 

This post is an exercise in forming a new habit... 

I used to write on here five days a week. FIVE. How? My brain tells me it is because I was working freelance and had time for such a luxury, but  the truth is it was merely a habit. I found writing to be cathartic... healing in a way. It was hard, don't get me wrong. You know how you never (... ok I never) want to go to the gym or do that work out? But how afterwards you are so glad that you did it? That is how so much of life is. Sacrifice and reward. Give and take. 

What are you giving up every time you have that cigarette you "can't live without"? What do you get when you sacrifice that extra thirty minutes of sleep in order to get in a work out first thing? 

On average it takes 66 days for something to become a habit.  What can you accomplish in that time? What habit do you want to form? 

August 6th 2017 is your end date. Mark it in your calendar. I'd love to hear where you end up.

As for me I want to form the habit of journalling. I want to start a habit of keeping the commitments I have made to myself. And above all I want to check off each item on a very special to-do list I have created, 30 before 30. 30 things I want to do, read, experience, learn, know, before I turn 30 in 4 short months (YIKES!). 

Who is with me!? 

xx

P.s. the book is The Power of Habit, you should probably order it rtfn. 

BLADE & KNOLL

When Drew and I left Los Angeles and drove across country (for the second time), we made our way west before heading south. I realize this makes absolutely zero geographical sense, however, it make perfect 'soul' sense. You see, Denver is home to, among other things, our Italian Family.-The Grazianos and we had been invited to spend ThanksGiving with them. While it wasn't exactly the most practical decision we could have made, we also knew that we could't say no to Mama Sharon. 

So we packed our things and drove out of LA for the last time. 16 hours later we got into a 36 degree Denver just before midnight. Tired and cranky we pulled up to our friend Tinas apartment, unloaded our things, and fell asleep to the soothing sounds of a space heater. Little did we know we had stumbled into the secret world of a modern day maven. 

We have known Tina for years. She is fun and funny, Italian (aka loud and full of life), and uniquely herself. She creates fine art that feels mystical- like seeing the fibers of a thought being pulled apart. And she is one hell of a cook. Before we lived with her that week I admired her work. I admired who she was as a woman and a creative. But after that week, I found myself enchanted and rather obsessed with her mind and motivation, her dedication and craft. If I had to sum her up in one sentence it would be this-

Christina Graziano solders like a mofo and then goes into the kitchen to make mind melting pho... it is obvious why I'm obsessed with her (and you probably should be too).

...

Could you please introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about what you do?

My name is Tina, and I make all the things. I have a background in sculpture and fabrication. My goal in life is to make everything in my house by my own two hands. Currently I am focusing on jewelry and wooden home goods for my line Blade and Knoll.  I love minimalism, v into abstract sculpture and impressionist paintings, repetitive architecture, natural instillations and plants. Did I also mention clothes? God I feel like this is the beginning to a beautiful tinder profile.    

Do you feel living in Denver has influenced your design or process?

You know, I started my business here in Denver, so lots about this place has influenced my business decisions. Nothing really design wise, other than I really know my demographic here so I know what sells. Denver has a specific old style, and a new transplant style, and both are pretty clear to someone who has been here as long as I have. Process wise, everything. I was super lucky to meet a bunch of other amazing makers, artists, or small business owners here right away. We used to all hang out pot luck style and talk about art and business and shit. We called it “Art Church”.  Continuously learn a lot from those guys. And every time I have the opportunity to go out into the woods, that always clams me down, lets me re-align, and gives me inspiration to work. 

Favorite material to work with?

Metal. There are just so many types and forms, and so many options of processes to make something 3d out of it. It is just sooooo satisfying to me. It’s also a more flexible and forgiving compared to wood, and, its badass. 

What entertainment medium inspires you the most? Film, music, literature?

I’d have to say Music. Not all, obviously, but music is very emotional to me. When I hear music that I really enjoy, it gives me this kind of inspirational energy. 

What are you watching/reading/listening to right now?

Ha, my main thing right now is trying to learn Spanish. So the good old Rosetta Stone and similar podcasts. I figured while I’m spending a billion hours in production, I might as well learn something. Also my partner is v Mexican so there’s that. I am also making my way through Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins when I have a moment before bed if I am not too exhausted. And let’s be real, a lot of my time during production, Netfilx is on. Either some crazy show about Alaskans and their subsistence living in subzero temperatures, or some other stupid shit. I have also listened to the new Kendrick album about 20 times. 

Who or what motivates you and your art?

Fashion definitely motivates my jewelry business. Every changing season gives me inspiration and energy. Now this might sound weird, but my work ethic in my jewelry business inspires my art. You know when you are producing everything by hand there is so much time that passes while you are running through production months. So when I have a moment to take a break, my mind is full of ideas that isn’t just a part of the assembly line, so I really have to just take those moments of opportunity and just get cranking. 

I know you love to cook and spend some qt in the kitchen. What are you cooking these days? These days I’m trying to focus my cooking attentions on healthy paleo meals. I spent way to long not thinking about that kind of thing. So challenging myself to doing the Whole 30 or sticking to strict guidelines like that is easier for me than especially when I am so busy. But let’s be real. I’m 100% Sicilian, so I make a killer gnocchi. M lady loves and I are also trying to perfect a Bolognese recipe over much red wine. 

What is your philosophy on work/life? Do you believe there can be a balance or does one seem to take over the other?

You know I haven’t found that balance yet. I definitely think I’m getting close, least I hope so after 4 years. I mean, the reason I do what I do, is because it makes me happy to create. I need to create. So having a very busy self-induced work schedule and being so productive, makes me happy. But I am a very introverted extrovert. I need a lot of time alone, but I also need quality time with my loves. I am starting to keep track of why I wanted to do this in the first place, and that is the actual physically design and production side. Anything else that really doesn’t fall into that category, I am trying to delegate. 

Where do you see yourself in the next year? Personally or professionally-

I see myself getting more of my business side perfected. Delegating what I have too, making what I have too, and designing the things of my heart. I feel some sort of change coming along soon as far as my living/studio situation goes, but that’s a little abstract still to talk about. 

What is your guilty pleasure?

Cigs and 40s and warehouse parties. 

What little life luxury could you not live without?

My tools, my giant glorious bed, my electric face scrubber, sharp knives, toilet paper. 

Favorite Denver haunts (for food, coffee, bevies, shops)?

Favorite coffee shop, Thump- its right across the street from my studio, so I am there almost every day. It’s quite literally the best coffee in Denver. It’s always crowded so it’s a very in and out place for me. If I’m going to meet someone for coffee, we go to Crema. Drinks – Tooeys on Colfax. Its v close to my house, its grungy and I love it. They play heavy metal or old school country, there is a pool table, big buck hunt, it feels like home. Or I go to Ft. Greene. Its kinda on the outskits, but it’s worth it. Eleonore the owner is a friend, so she always lets us put on funny parties there. It also has its own sense of style, not this bullshit that every new restaurant/bar/coffee shop in Denver tries to look like. 
Food- I have two ridiculous cravings here in Denver. One - The breakfast burrito at Taco Del Mexico. Two - Spicy Chicken Ramen at Uncle in the Highlands. Mostly when I hang with my loves, we are always cooking. 

Lastly. What life lesson do you live by?

Um, not to sound stupid but… 
Work hard, Play hard. 
Not my baby.  
Fuck it. 

...

When Tina talks about 'production' she is being modest. The girl pushes out hundreds of hand made pieces a week and still keeps a smile on her face, it is incredible. To be fair I am bias, as a friend and fan of her work. But you can't argue with compliments- every time I wear my Blade and Knoll earrings or use my cutting board as a serving dish at a party everyone (and I do mean everyone) compliments them- the proof is in the pudding y'all, er the metal rather. 

Want to get your hands on some hand crafted Blade and Knoll goodies? Go to instagram, follow along with me @kelseyzahn and @bladeandknoll, tag a friend in the comment section on our posts announcing the give away and cross your fingers for a chance to win a pair of Tinas amazing earrings. Can I get an amen!? 

Tina, you know how I feel about you. Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions. 

Sending you all love and light.

xx

9 to 5

How do you do it? 

How do you go to work, every day, 9-5, 10-6, 8-8? Do you work eight hours? Do you work twelve? Do you work in an office? Behind a desk? With different variations of the same things happening each and every day? 

I had grown accustomed to the freelance life of long hours, weird locations, and different teams of people, featuring very little repetition. You are always working and I do mean ALWAYS, but you aren't always working also. My traditionalist 'normal' job parent's still can't fathom being a freelancer and now I think I understand why. You forget! Like a mother forgetting the pains of childbirth, I had forgotten the 'pains' of the 9-5 before I went back to work and now, as I am entering my sixth month (WOAH) of normal employment I am forgetting the 'pains' of being freelance...

Up until today I hadn't really given it much thought. I clock in, I do my job, I clock out. I have healthcare and all that comes with it. But you guys... do you realize what you can do with eight and a half hours of your life!? 

I woke up, ate breakfast, went on a copiously long walk, talked to my parents and a dear friend, went grocery shopping, ate lunch, read, prepped food for the week, took a 'nap', showered, AND did some research online- all in the same amount of time that I stand behind a desk each day. 

My question is becoming this- is this the best use of my time? If it isn't, what is? 

Obviously I need to work. Money is nice and having insurance is pretty damn great. But I can't shake this feeling. 

I had a session with a business coach a while back and he challenged me to think about the things that I am uniquely good at and how I can use them to serve the world in a positive way (and, of course, get paid for it). This challenge made my brain run in circles for a week (ok... it's still running but it has slowed down a bit). He set the percolator on the stove and now things are beginning to brew. 

Obviously it is too early to expose these fledgling ideas to the world at large. However, one thing I do know is that I miss this. I miss writing all the goings on in my brain. And so, for now, I will tell you that I have committed to coming back here, at least once a week, to write you a note of the goings on in my head, my heart, my stomach (recipes any one?) and my soul. 

That being said, what would you like to know? What do you want to read? Hear about? Feel? etc. 

Sending you love from the South. 

xx

SUGAR IN THE MILK

Sorry to burst your bubble but this post is not a recipe. In fact, it isn't even actually about food. I know this may be disappointing, but hear me out. 

I was listening to an episode of Fugitive Waves with the Kitchen Sisters the other day (if you haven't heard of it go look it up and down load it rn). One of their latest Hidden Kitchen stories featured Niloufer Ichaporia King, a beautiful Parsi woman who has three kitchens in her home and goes to six farmers markets each week. The story itself was mostly about Parsi food traditions for Parsi New Year; it is beautiful and overwhelming, moving, and sweet. However, what I found most moving was the story she told, a Parsi legend of sugar in the milk. 

The legend goes-

A Priest from the Parsi people went to the King of a village in West India to ask for refuge, as his people (the Parsi people) were fleeing for their lives, fearing persecution in their home land. The King was resistant, his villages was already full. To demonstrate this fact, the King showed the Priest a vat of milk, he said, "Like this vat of milk our lands are full to the brim."

In response the Priest took some sugar and poured it into the milk saying, "Just as the sugar enriches the milk, so our people will enrich your lands."

...

How beautiful is that?! How moving!? I had to keep the tears at bay, I was driving after all. 

The day went on and this story lingered. I began to think of all the things I add to my life and began to wonder, are these things sugar? Or are they stone? Do they enrich? Or overflow? 

In our culture it is prized to be busy. To constantly tack things on to our already full schedules. We say 'yes' to too many things and fill up every moment of every hour of every day with things, never asking if that 'thing' is worthy or good. 

I want to meditate on this idea. Work, life, husband, home, family, friends, education, exercise, nature, nourishment, fun, focus, drive, rest. What things are in these categories? What is adding value? What is too much? 

At Parsi New Year there is a 'milk shake' that is served, cream (ice cream) with sugar or rose water, sweet and delicious, a reminder, a reflection. Taking a moment to think about the past and the present and all the moments in between. 

This may just lead you to wonder, to ask, how are you enriching the world around you? How is your life being enriched?

Do you have all the feels yet? Because I most definitely do. 

xx

p.s. click here for cardamom rose iced latte recipe from Local Milk (photo at the tope of the page)

HISTORICALLY SPEAKING

The world is a crazy place these days, am I right? (no need to answer, I know I'm right). 

If you turn on the news (which I don't) you are apt to hear about how A) the media is 'fake news' or B) that the government is falling apart and Russia is leering over our shoulder like that creepy dude from the bar last night. Don't get me wrong, I am aware of what is happening, I listen to news podcasts and do my best to stay up to date on 'the issues'. However, I refuse to pay too close of attention... why?... because you can't make heads or tails of things these days. 

If you are a conservative, your news outlets will be tailored to your ideology- conservatively so. If you are a liberal, your media outlets will be oriented to your more 'liberal' belief system and way of viewing the world. We all want to believe 'OUR' news isn't bias (which ever side of the fence you fall on) but the truth is, it IS bias, sorry to burst your perfectly padded political bubble. 

Now, here is the thing, news has become 'sensational' and things that make us afraid or worried, make headline news. You don't see a headline reading, "Man gives kidney to child on the verge of death and saves his life!" because that isn't sensational, it is a guy doing a nice thing. You may be thinking, "But I want to know about Russias creeper status and D-Trumps latest foot in mouth moment." and that is fine, those things should be news and talked about, etc. However, can we also have some news about the good that is happening in the world? The organizations that are rebuilding East New Orleans (not far from where I now live) after the tornado that ripped through two weeks ago. Or the groups fighting hunger, building schools, and changing lives across the globe with their humanitarian efforts?  

The funny thing is, this isn't actually new. I say that the news 'has become' but I suppose I should say, 'the news continues to be'... Drew and I have been watching the CNN documentaries about the 60s, 70s, and 80s, that are on Netflix. What you realize in watching this series is how 'afraid' people were in every decade; of disaster, disease, war (cold or otherwise), that broke out in that time and the news was right there covering each and ever moment. The series is amazing and so educational. Our nation has seen so much (and survived) and it is easy to forget that in the chaos of the present moment. 

My question for you, dear reader, is how do you filter this media? In an age where it is no longer just the radio, TV and printed news papers- how do you keep yourself from drowning in the flood of information that is available to you at all times? Do you have a favorite news resource? What about a place where you can find out about positive movements happening in the world? 

Here are a few things to get into (click to check them out)- 

Positive News 

Good Magazine 

CNN Documentary Series on Netflix  

And the NPR Politics Podcast

I recognize the fact that the risk is greater these days. The threat of destruction and war is far larger than in the past. I have never really been a 'political' person and I think that is part of the issue in our nation- many of us have been asleep. It is time for an awakening. To see the good we can do as a unit, to stand up and effect change. These movements can start small, in your community or city but the ripples will spread the more speak. 

xx

*photo from the CNN documentary series on the 60s

PATIENCE

Warm, savory, succulent scents drift through the house. It is gray and cold, the perfect weather for a braise. Lamb and vegetables simmer happily in a bath of coriander, fennel, red wine and balsamic vinegar. The hours slowly pass, tenderness rendered inside each moment. 

Braising season is sacred. You marry flavors together through time and patients. If you rush the process the results will be less than desirable. If you cut corners you are sure to end up with a piping hot dish of (chewy, dry) disappointment. 

When I was thinking about this post I realized that the act of braising is not unlike the season of life I am in. Then again, I tend to think of life through food so this makes perfect sense (to me anyways). 

...

Remember how I wrote about picking a word for the year? No? Ok... Click here. Read that post and come back, this will make way more sense if you do, scouts. 

Now that we are all on the same page I shall continue. 

For the first week or two of January I was convinced my word was 'Powerful'... I told friends, I journaled about it... however, to my own dismay I have realized that (although I am a powerful human being) powerful is the word I want and not the word the Divine had in store for me. As the days passed I kept feeling a nagging in my soul, the tug of the Universe on my heart strings calling me to patience. 

Do you know how hard this word is!? Maybe you are an insanely patient person. Maybe you were blessed with the gift of waiting. I am not one of those people naturally, I am the kid being told they can have one cookie now OR two cookies in ten minutes. The agony of deciding to be patient wells up within me. I know that waiting is the better choice. I know that being patient will yield far more reward. BUT that means I have to wait to see how things will turn out. I have to deny myself the satisfaction of having something right now. 

Fear makes me impatient. Fear makes me believe that the future is uncertain and so I need to act NOW. Patience calls me to have faith, to believe in the future, to trust and remain true to my path. 

Tony Robbins talks about how we over estimate what we can do in a year and under estimate what we can do in ten years. During this season of life I need to remember that things are just now starting to simmer, low and slow, my very own blend of emotional braising (a strange analogy but you get the general idea). I can't rush the process. Time is the secret sauce. Time and patience. For the first time in my life I see a future that has promise and potential. I see what I can accomplish in ten years (if only I am patient) and I am so excited by that vision. This year is only the beginning. 

“Why is patience so important?"
"Because it makes us pay attention.” 
― Paulo Coelho

Light and delight

xx

RE-CON-STRUC-TION

Tear it apart. Dig your fingers in and rip it apart at the seams. Watch it all unravel. See the tattered remains on the floor. Walk away. 

This is the deconstructionist mind. Break everything down, grind your thoughts into dust. Pull apart your feelings one by one. Doesn't that feel better? Doesn't it feel superior? 

Deconstruction is healthy. It is essential in fact. And if you had spoken to me in my mid 20s I would have told you that it was the ONLY thing. You MUST deconstruct or you will never find truth. 

Sure... 

I half agree with this idea now. However, if you are deconstructing for the sake of deconstruction than you will never find what you are looking for. Deconstruction should be used as a means to finding reconstruction, a way to find healing and truth. 

Our culture is obsessed with deconstructing the ideas we are presented, our upbringings, our faults, our failures, our lives in general. We see therapists and tell them everything that is wrong and never find resolution because being 'broken' is easier than finding healing. If we are whole it is harder to make excuses and reconstruction means changing our bad habits, taking responsibility for our actions and being present in our lives. We have learned 'victim hood' from a young age. We learn limiting language and start to view ourselves as stagnant beings. 

NEWS FLASH- YOU CAN REBUILD, YOU CAN CHANGE

Right now you may feel like you are surrounded in the rubble of your life. You have waged war on yourself for years and the destruction is vast, but it is not hopeless. You are waking up. Many of us deconstruct from a dream like state. We feel that our lives are out of our control so we break down everything that is happening, shredding each and every pieces of ourselves. We believe this is important, it gives us significance, it makes us feel like we are in control of something, hell, it makes us feel things period. But when you wake up, when you see the smoke and ashes of the destruction around you, you realize that you (may) have gone too far. 

I recently had an awakening. Awakening is painful yet liberating; my body, my mind, my soul trembled. I wept as the emotion welled up from within. I stood beneath the magnolia trees and smiled as tears flowed down my face. I saw the destruction I had caused within my body and, for the first time, felt its magnitude. I saw what I had done and realized that it was not the truth I had made it to be and I realized, how desperate for healing and wholeness I am. And best of all, I realized that, I am awake, I am capable, I am surrounded and supported, loved, and whole...You see, for years I said I didn't want children or rather that I didn't care about having children of my own. But in that moment, walking around Audubon park, that mantra crumbled. "I want to have a baby! I want to have little bio babies with Drew. I DO. I DO care. I want to be a mom!" Tears erupted, flowing, hot like lava as my heart sang its truth. "I would be a fucking great mom! I will be the mom that bakes (all the things free) cookies and crafts constantly. I will be weird and embarrassed the tiny humans in my life constantly." It was a beautiful moment; honesty and clarity radiating in my soul. 

Unlocking this truth started a reconstruction in me. It connected me to my sexuality, my femininity, my womanhood, my drive, my ambition and my purpose. Yet again solidifying the wise words of Brené Brown, "You numb one emotion, you numb them all." Freeing this desire from the rubble of my deconstructionist mind started a chain reaction. I pulled feelings, wants, hopes, dreams, from the dust and destruction of my past and found healing from their release. 

IT IS ALL CONNECTED

What is buried in the rubble of your life? What ideas, dreams and desires are trapped beneath the deconstructed conceptualization of your perceived reality?  

As cheesy as it may sound do yourself a favor- watch the Tony Robbins documentary, read some Brené Brown, listen to the Rob Cast, find people that support you, who will help you dig for your truth and rebuild from within. Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. Give yourself (and those around you) grace. It may be overwhelming and daunting to start but I promise you, you are 1,000% capable of being the person God, the Divine, created you to be. 

Light and delight. 

xx 

NOTES TO (AND FROM) A FRIEND

Dear Friends, 

Today I have the honor of sharing an interview with you. I suppose, in its own way, every interview is an honor. However, there are times when I am floored by the honesty, humility and grace with which people answer the questions I ask and Yuris answers had me subterranean. I read through her email with tears clouding my vision, making me pause and allow my body to feel the impact her words were having. BUT, before I (she) make(s) you cry, I want to give you a little back ground on how this interview came about. 

I met Yuri several years ago through a mutual friend who referred her to me as a client- I cut and colored her hair for a time. She had an electric spirit about her then- petite, full of life, with great taste in music, food and fashion. I met her at a time where she seemed to be finding her groove, finding her passion, and in a way, finding herself. It was beautiful. I always enjoyed our conversations and looked forward to giving her a new cut. Somewhere along the line we lost touch. I got busy, she got busy, and then... 

One day, while scrolling through instagram, I stumbled upon a photo she had posted... from the hospital. I was alarmed and confused. I clicked on her profile and felt a deep ache well up beneath my ribs. Yuri, the stunning, young woman whose hair I had cut only months before, was beautifully bald. 

How do you respond to that? How do you tell someone that your heart is breaking for them, while simultaneously saying- you are a bad ass woman, you are strong, you are talented, and you CAN get through this? I certainly didn't know, but I also knew I couldn't not say something.... So I sent her an email (perhaps it was a text). The initial conversation led to another, we began to email on and off for a season. She modeled for a photo project I was working on, and the resilience of her spirit brought us all to tears. 

In the time that has passed we stay in touch, checking in, saying hello, sending love and good energy into the world for one another. Through those emails and her project 'Notes to a Friend' I have gotten to know more of her story and the power behind it. Since being re-diagnosed Yuris community has risen up around her, supporting her in her work, her health and her heart. She has gone through hell and refused to let it consume her. How incredible is that!? I will confess that it doesn't surprise me. There is something special about Yuri, she holds light and life delicately in her grasp. I can't quite explain it, instead, I will allow her to do so. 

*Image by Aaron Smith, makeup by Jessie Bishop, styling by Lwany Smith 

...

Could you please introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about who you
are and what you do?
My name is Yuri Angela Chung and I am a freelance graphic designer living in
LA. I am 32 years old and currently living with Stage 4 breast cancer.

When were you first diagnosed?
I was 25 years old in 2010 when I was first diagnosed with Stage 3 breast
cancer. Right before entering my fifth year in remission, the cancer came back in
the form of Stage 4 breast cancer – which had metastasized to my lungs, bones,
and brain.

What has the journey through being re-diagnosed with breast cancer and
treatment been like?
The first word that comes to mind is shock. Even though I knew that breast
cancer could often come back, I just didn’t think that it would happen to me. It
was shocking and sad and extremely cathartic. I had already fought this disease
and knew what it entailed; but this was a different monster. I needed to fight
harder; I needed to fight for my life.
From the moment I knew the cancer was back, everything moved in lightening
speed. A year passed by in a whirlwind of surgeries, radiation, and
chemotherapy. And I can’t tell you how many days I’ve spent in the hospital,
because I’ve lost count. But the days in the hospital, the treatments, the painful
surgeries – none of these wounded my spirit. Because the physical pain – the
needles, the bruises, the aches and discomfort – I can endure. What almost
consumed my soul was the nausea and inability to eat. I didn’t really experience
any form of nausea the first time I went through treatment, so it was a very
foreign thing to me. When it began, it came with full force; and it was so violent,
nothing would have prepared me for it.
The oral chemo that I began in January 2016 was the culprit of the nausea. It
taunted my body for 6 months until I switched back to a form of IV chemo in
June. It has been a long, rough road, but I am happy to say that today I am
nausea-free, and I haven’t spent a night in a hospital since then.

What gives you the most joy in life? 
I love the people in my life. The love and respect I feel for my family and friends
has no boundaries –and that feeling alone, gives me so much joy. Also, my dog
Elvis – he gives me endless joy.

Where (or in whom) do you find the most strength?
My parents. They have taught me everything I know about strength, love,
generosity, and integrity. They inspire me in every way.

How did Notes to a Friend start? Or rather, where did the idea come from?
A few months prior to my diagnosis, I was working on a personal project with a
friend that focused on my growth as a young designer after cancer. During this
time, I sent him “notes” that I wrote while remembering certain moments I
considered important in my story. Then shortly after, almost like a scene out of a
movie, I found out that my cancer came back. And the narrative we were building
together suddenly became irrelevant.
When the recurrence happened, I was scared but also inspired. I needed to
continue my story, and I needed to continue to create. The notes I sent to my
friend were intimate thoughts that I had never shared with anyone – and now, I
felt the urgency of a purpose that I needed to share. And that’s how I started
Notes To A Friend.

Your community seems to have risen up around you, what impact has that
had on you (through treatments, illness, good days and bad)?
Notes To A Friend really invited my friends and complete strangers to understand
and respond to what I was going through. The real magic of social media is when
you can emotionally connect with another person through a photo, video, or even
just a few words. I’ve received so many messages from people all over, sending
me support and the warmest of thoughts. Even on a bad day, I can’t complain –
there are so many people rooting me on that I just have to keep going.

What music makes you feel better/what are you listening to? Are you a rage
punk person? The sappy singer song writer type? Or are you more of an
OG rap kind of girl? 
Definitely an OG rap kind of girl! My music playlist probably hasn’t changed since
1999! But when I’m working, I love to listen to a lot of instrumental stuff –
Explosions in the Sky, Bach’s Cello Suites, scores by Hans Zimmer, anything by
Yo-Yo Ma – just to name a few.

Favorite food?
I always tell people that I have very cheap taste buds. Give me some Rite Aid ice
cream or any form of carbohydrates, and I’ll be a very happy person.

Little life luxury you can’t live without?
The leisure to travel. Being a freelancer, I feel very lucky to be able to spend my
time in a way that I can control and plan. Time is so valuable and having the
freedom to choose how I spend my day or week is a privilege.

Best piece of advice you have ever received?
Write what you know.

What words do you have for women who are experiencing hardship right
now- whether it be breast cancer, loss of a child, or another trauma- where
do you find hope?
Only you can write your story; fight for yours.

...

Yuri is currently working on a new project for 'Notes to a Friend', give her a follow on instagram, search the hashtag #NotesToAFriend or follow @notestoafriend on twitter to stay tuned in with the incredible things she has planned. 

...

I have read this interview over serval times and with each pass it creates a deeper sense of resilience inside of me. Yuri, your words are beautiful, your soul shines bright like a diamond (shout out to Sia) and your conviction is piercing to the core. Thank you for sharing your story, it has been well fought for. Your community, your family, friends, and strangers who carry you in their hearts are all by your side in spirit, fighting along side of you Yuri. It inspires and amazes me.

I realize the elections just happened but I must confess, I am #TEAM YURI2017 all the way. 

To those who took the time to read this interview- thank you for following, thank you for supporting, thank you for the impact you make on the world around each and every day. 

Light and delight. 

GRATITUDE

We all know the power of a gratitude list. They pick you up when you are down, they give you a sense of accomplishment, and because of these things we have all written a million of them (and if you haven't I highly suggest you do). I mean, gratitude lists affirm who you are, what you are doing, how you live...they are a verbal life vests keeping you afloat when hurricane 'Frank is having a bad day' or 'tropical storm depression' knocks you out of your comfy boat- the SS Day-to-Day.   

I am curious... what is on your gratitude list? Is it the big ticket items- your job, your house, your bank roll? Or is it the little things? The things that, frankly, often get taken for granted.

I ask out of my own conviction. 

Yesterday Drew and I were driving to a coffee shop on the other side of town for the umpteenth time since moving to New Orleans. It is eye opening how different this city is. When you drive across town here you see a lot of life, at every income level. In the span of five minutes you will drive from a nice neighborhood, through a rough neighborhood, the business part of town and the wealthy part of town, with nothing but neutral ground between them. But, as with most other things in life, you become accustomed to this, it becomes normal.

As we crossed Canal on Broad street I looked out the window and saw a man in a wheelchair. Seeing someone in a wheelchair often tugs at your heart strings but usually you can accept the fact that their reality is different and move on. But this man made my heart ache. It wan't the fact that he was down on his luck, it wasn't the fact that his clothes had seen better days, it was the fact that, on top of all he had stacked against him, he was also missing a leg. He, literally, can't walk even if he wanted to and I walk without so much as a second thought, which all of a sudden seemed insane or foolish. 

I am so grateful that, even in my bodies imperfection, I can walk, talk, read, write, breath, laugh, dance, love, hurt, and feel. I am grateful that I can get up each morning and do yoga, even when I don't feel like it. I am grateful that I have food on my table, even though I can't eat everything, I can eat so many things. I am grateful for my husband, he is a really good man. I am thankful for this move to New Orleans. 

As I thought about all the things I take for granted I also started thinking about how we, as people, make excuses CONSTANTLY. 

"I'm too old" "I'm not smart enough" "I don't know how to do that" "Why even try?" etc. etc. etc. 

Fact- Iris Apfel is 95 years young and still creating, still working, STILL being fabulous every day. Do you think she goes around saying she is too old? NO. She says, I'm old but I still have breath in my lungs and creativity in my heart, so I am going to keep going!

Fact- You can learn from anything! I am 29 and recently re-enrolled in courses on a subject I (technically) know nothing about, but I am so excited to learn. 

Fact- With practice you can learn anything... you many not be good at it but you can still learn. 

Why try? WHY NOT! 

Maybe all the Tony Robbins talks Drew plays in the car have leached their way into my brain. Maybe I am just ready to live a better life. A more full life. A life less hindered by excuses. A life full of gratitude for the big AND the small. 

What is keeping you from being grateful? What keeps you from doing things? How can you get one inch closer to change? What small thing can you be grateful for today? What can you be grateful for tomorrow? Who knows you may start a chain reaction that will lead to change and positivity down the road. 

Light and delight. 

xx