LIE TO ME

I started writing this out in a ‘pages’ document… if I were being smart I would have used google docs because, lets be honest, they are superior in every way and keep you (and by you I mean me) from wasting precious space on your (my) already-too-full hard drive. I wasn’t going to share what I am feeling/processing/going through, because it is ‘ugly’ and I don’t have answers or a bow to tie on the proverbial paragraphs that follow.

You should all know something about me, I do this thing, I masterfully fold words and sentences into origami birds distracting you with clever language and interesting ideas. It is a ‘hat trick’, a con of sorts… but I’m not trying to fool you… I am trying to fool myself. When I started typing this morning I saw the sentence ‘I am writing this here so that I tell the truth’… surely I didn’t type that? Surely my sub-conscious couldn’t be so quick as to over ride my conscious mind and allow that sentence to flow through my finger tips and appear on the screen!? And yet… there it was… and now, here we are.

Did I ever tell you that, this past fall, I became a certified yoga instructor through an organization called Holy Yoga? I know- LOL- the name is hilarious and literally laughable (sorry Brooke… I do love you and HY so much). When I started the training I had absolutely no idea what I was in for. I chose HY because it fit my schedule and I told myself that I chose it because I wanted to learn anatomy (… said no one ever). But I was called to it… from the moment my friend Jackie told me about the program I knew I needed to do it and my soul knew why but my mind was not comfortable with that reasoning so it made up a cover story to con me into thinking I was there for some other reason… confused yet? Try living in my brain, it is exhausting.

Behind the scenes photo at, probably, 3 or 4a.m. of Andy Deluca

At any rate, I did the training… and it changed my life. I (literally) saw the face of Jesus, heard God speak and came away feeling utterly transformed (if you want to know more, email me, I’m more than happy to share). So much of my shadow side was illuminated through that process. I saw parts of myself that I had long ago hidden away or dressed up to disguise the ugly truth of my being. I tell you all of this because we did something at immersion (yoga teacher training camp basically) that was so beautiful and transformative…something that I want to bring into my life on a more realistic level- we held confession. I KNOW… Had I not experienced it I would be judging the shit out of it too. However, I can’t, because it was gorgeous.

Sitting in a room with 7 other women, writing our confessions on pieces of paper, telling the group our story, placing the paper into a bowl of water and watching it dissolve, melt, disappear, before our eyes would have been extraordinary… but then being anointed with oil and prayed over made the already vulnerable experience transcendent.

Do you know what I confessed that day? I confessed that I am (was) a liar. I lied all my life to protect myself. I lied to save face, to impress, to keep people at a safe distance, to control… and do you know something, it never worked. The worst part is, is that when you lie to protect yourself, you start lying to yourself and things get really blurry.

To all of you who I have lied to- I am sorry. I won’t flourish or justify, I will leave my apology simple and true. You deserved better from me and I would like to ask your forgiveness…

And to myself I would say the same… I’m so sorry for lying to you…Can you please forgive me?

In total forgiveness and love,

Kelsey Zahn