My question for you is simple. How does one get away from a monster?
Run.
Kick.
Fight.
Scream.
Close your eyes and wish it away?
Let us consider the idea of running. Say you run fast, really fast, like Usain Bolt fast, only to realize when you stop that the monster is still there, only now it is bigger than before and pissed off. As you think of what to do next something catches your attention, out of the corner of your eye you see a mirror, you turn, horrified to realize, you are the monster; you are the thing you fear, the thing you are running from.
So what do you do then?
Shut down?
Run more?
Kick.
Fight.
Scream.
Close your eyes and wish it away?
This past week I looked in the mirror and saw a monster. It was ugly and all consuming. My first response was to shut down, deny the reality and push through, because I don’t have time for any monsters right now, I have enough shit to deal with outside of ugly scaled creatures (please note I did not grow scales, I did not turn into Lizard from Spiderman). The more I pushed through, the more ugly it became, pulling me deeper into the darkness along with it’s ugly self. Then I ran, fast, distraction became my best friend, if I was distracted I didn’t have to look in the mirror and see what I was becoming. By the time I got to the rest of the stages I had lost the will to fight. I found myself drained and empty, staring at the ceiling wanting to die. While that sounds super dramatic (and it is, I know it is) it was my reality.
Listen, having severe depression is no joke. Thankfully, I know when I’m being unreasonable and over time I can adjust and learn to get past it. The rhythm became:
Wake up. Pretend my body didn’t feel a million pounds and hurt all over (the mind body connection is a crazy reality you guys). Close my eyes. Open my eyes. Get out of bed. Function. Sit at my lap top and feel my soul sink ever deeper as I tried to push the keys, willing myself to form a sentence. Stare. Heart hurting, mind melting, soul crushing, push through. Close my eyes. Remain. Function… somehow, just get through.
The tough thing is you can’t fix it, medication can’t cure it, and no one else can make it better. It takes time. Every person is different and what works for me might not work for you; what works for me may not even be the best for me, but I am working towards figuring it out. Mind you, this depression was life onset, not evencreativity onset which is a whole other ball of wax I will address in Monsters Reloaded.
With out having answers, facing the monsters may seem daunting, but not impossible. The hard part is not letting the monster eat you.
xx
