It has been a long day. You know that kind of day right?
Mind you, it is only 5:45pm but I have been awake for 12 hours… or mostly awake. I woke up, got ready, got dressed, made breakfast (to-go) and was ready to head out the door when I got the text that my client had to cancel… which was great… other than the fact that I would have used my morning differently. C’est la vie! Nothing to do but shift.
I poured a cup of coffee and got quiet. Read, journaled. Opened the day like a Rilke poem… you would think after such a dreamy morning the day ahead would follow in stride, alas it was not to be so.
After breakfast the weather decided to shift faster than Vin Diesel in 2Fast2Furious. We went from being in the upper 70s low 80s to dropping into the high 50s low 60s over night; rain, wind, THUNDER and lightning graced the skies… oh, and did I mention the pressure change that comes along with that sort of system? Needless to say my head exploded… or at least my right shoulder, neck, and hemisphere of my brain did.
So again, I shifted. Rest. Read. Snuggle Stanley. Drink copious amounts of tea… translation- do none of the productive things I planned to do. Don’t get me wrong, I am down for a day of rest but fighting an oncoming migraine is not restful… at some point you realize that you either stop fighting, take a deep breath and surrender or keep fighting and be miserable.
My friend Amy posted this quote by Dr. Thema Bryant-Davis and it resonated on a deep level with me-
To be honest I’m not sure where to go from here. The patterns of un-health I lived in for most of my life? The ways I learned to survive? The pain, the trauma, the holes blown into my soul by simply being alive (as Brooke would say)? We all have them. We all have patterns and habits and (emotional) survival techniques which rival the Navy Seals. But the question becomes, will we heal? Will we shift our perspective? Will we notice the patterns and choose to behave differently? Live differently? Will we be bold enough to become Paul Walker in lifes Vin Diesel moments? (ok… if you haven’t seen The Fast and The Furious you will have zero idea what I’m talking about… but just know it is a movie about racing cars and being able to SHIFT really really fast… get it? Shifting? Yes? Good.)
Only the early 2000’s could make something look this good…
I realize that shifting my mindset around a migraine may seem like no big deal… but the truth is, it was a huge deal. This shift wasn’t about the migraine, it was about the day- the plans and expectations of ‘doing’ that didn’t get met… You see, I, notoriously struggle with shifting my plans, expectations, etc. Just ask Drew, he will confirm that this is my Achilles heel. I like plans, I like KNOWING things, I (in-spite of who I want to be) like structure… so when something comes up last minute, or an expectation isn’t met I struggle to bounce back. Because of this, ‘Sad Panda-ing’ is a pattern in my life. Oh, you aren’t familiar with that (non)medical term? It is the feeling of disappointment which easily upends the joy with which one would like to function in life, causing me… I mean one to mope and feel a wee-bit depressed like a ‘Sad Panda’. Got it?
The truth is 92% of my patterns, habits, survival techniques and triggers are ME, I choose them. And you know something… you choose it too. OWN IT. Face the truth of the matter. No one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. People will forever act a way, do a thing, be a real jerk etc. BUT you are the one who chooses to make take their words on as truth, accepting their actions and make them personal. SO will you keep living out of your old patterns, survival techniques, and wounding? Or will you learn to shift?
Theoretically speaking this all sounds like a good idea. Shifting, YES, lets do that! But how? The thing is, if we try to do it in our own strength we will almost always hit a wall at some point. So… maybe I need to get out of the way.
Matthew 6:6 says, “Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.”
I get so caught up in performing. In doing. In going. That I forget my purpose. My call to BE, to breath, to get quiet, shift my gaze from myself to the One who created me, the One who knows me, the One who heals my hurt, resets my patterns, promises me rest and a future-
Jeremiah 29:11, ““For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.””
When I shift my gaze off of myself I see the bigger picture, I sense his grace. I see my path as perfect, I see how it twists and turns and intersects with all of life at a grater scale. When I shift my gaze from myself to God I see myself through his eyes- chosen, healed, loved, known, celebrated… When I shift my gaze from myself to God I see the world through his eyes, I see others through his eyes, and it is in that space that wholeness and healing comes.
Maybe you feel stuck in old patterns… like really stuck…not only is your shifter locked up from all the grinding in your own strength, but your car won’t turn on, the garage door won’t open and you find yourself stuck inside the survival ‘garage’ of your life. My question is, how is that working out for you? Do you like it in there? Does it actually feel safe? Please know that I, not so long ago, was living in my ‘survival garage’… eating ‘Sad Panda’ Soup, thinking ‘this is it… this is life’. At some point all my excuses broke down. All my survival techniques and ‘self help methods’ stopped working (Thank God). I learned surrender. I learned to shift my gaze.
What are your patterns? Triggers? Wounds? Where is your focus? Are you angry? Disappointed? Blaming? Afraid? Using the same tools to ‘fix’ all of lifes problems and finding that none of them really work for the job? Sounds to me like you are in the perfect place to shift, to let go, surrender, get still. A contemplative prayer I love just came to my mind. It may feel awkward, it may not be easy… then again, it may just be the thing that unlocks all the stuck places inside your heart… so if you are willing, come to a quiet space, settle in, notice your breath… then ask-
Lord God, show me you.
Show me you, THEN show me, ME.
This isn’t where I anticipated this post going… it is a good thing I’ve learned to shift.
In grace and peace.
xx
