Dear LinkedIn,
I am writing you on behalf of all people everywhere who don't really understand your purpose. Why are you a thing exactly? Where did you come from? The obvious answer is that you are brainwashing the masses and trying to take over the internet, which in turn will lead to world domination. Are you the new WikiLeaks?
The invitations to join your monopoly are overwhelming; you are persistent if nothing else. You are the jewish guilt my inbox never saw coming, forever taunting me with 'invitations' and reminders of invitation, making me feel like a bad person for not accepting your offering of inclusion.
To be clear, this is not the 'linkup' Nicki had in mind, there is no celebration when we click 'join'... there is only dread. You are forcing us to remember all of the things we tried to forget. Our first jobs, our college years, bosses and colleagues all ripped from their place in history to become tormentors of our present.
"Who will see this?" We wonder... "will they like me?"... "will they hire me?"... "am I good enough?"
Even the individual behind the most confident of profiles goes cowering in the corner upon clicking 'publish'. You are Delilah and you have cut our hair.
Maybe, you aren't all bad... maybe at one time you were in fact good. You gave people a way to connect, to be seen and heard. I mean, you were never going to be facebook, but you put in a good effort... Is that what turned you? Your desire to have power? I get it, we all want to be the big man on top; but do you really have to drag good people into the dark and twisty caverns of your network?
You aren't all bad and I will cut you some slack. Who knows, one day you may change into a self respecting community again... But for now, please don't be offended that I keep deleting your emails, it's nothing personal I swear.
xx
*the most perfect Linkedin profile pic maybe ever. Behind the scenes on a job for Lexus, grooming by yours truly.
