OH... I 1000% FORGOT

I realize I owe you a part 2 in the story of the girl who kept her self small… and we will get there… but this morning, or afternoon rather, there are other pressing matters on my mind…or other matters pressing on my mind.

Remember how you forget sometimes? Like how you forgot to text your mom back or call your grandma on her birthday (guilty on two counts, though if Apple would just get on their shit and allow texts to be marked as ‘unread’ I would remember to respond more often ya know?)…

Full disclosure this post was inspired by Pastor Sam Lopez at HillSong LA who preached on the subject of forgetfulness this past weekend. He too forgot to call his mom and, somehow, manages locks his keys in his car on a semi-regular basis (I didn’t even know that was still possible)… Anyways, he asked a fairly simple and yet vital set of questions which flowed together like a series of rivers colliding into an ocean of unknowing- How often do we forget? How often do we forget who we are? Who we were called to be? How often do we forget Gods promises? His timing? His word? His power? If we don’t like the way the Divine is orchestrating our lives we take the baton and try to change the timing and tempo on things. Our impatience turning the melody of our lives into a wild, chaotic, mess of noise and distraction and in the process we manage to forget the harmony God originally intended for us.

Sam also talked about how we ‘forget’ just how good we are at deceiving ourselves… how we lie to ourselves to get out of things, into things, around things… We tell ourselves we are behind and make excuses for not moving forward- why try? There is too much ground to make up ya know? Or we tell ourselves we are further along than we actually are, giving ourselves a false sense of being ‘better than’ everyone else. Perspective loopholes which allow us to forget the humans in humanity.

Side note- You are not behind, you are where you are and that is ok (shout out to Dave Evans)…what other choice do we have? Shake what your mama gave ya and keep going! We forget that nothing is ever wasted AND that our ‘wasted seasons’ are NOT wasted time… it is information, learning, growth, stillness, refinement… there is something to be extracted from or injected into every moment we get to spend on this planet orbiting the Sun at 67,000 MPH, that is 18.5 MILES PER SECOND by the way! (… confession I 1000% googled that, I did not have that information stored in my brain, I’m not THAT big of a nerd… ok maybe I am… but still, the point is we are on a planet and that is pretty f*&$ing cool).

Ok, everyone exhale… inhale… remember to breath.

Full disclosure, the reason I am writing this piece (while sitting on the patio at Go Get Em Tiger in Highland Park) is because I was supposed to be in a van right now, going from Chicago Midway Airport to the cutest camp ever in Wisconsin for a photo shoot with one of my very favorite clients…obviously I am not there, though I want to be… The thing is, I am not in control and I FORGET THAT ALL THE TIME! Who is with me? How often do you forget that you are not in total control of your own life? Yes, we make choices, we take action, and live like it is ALL up to us… but in the end the are greater forces at work.

Last night was a massive reminder of this fact. After not sleeping because of having to go the bathroom 17 times because I drank 2 too many cups of tea (and by ‘cups’ I really mean ‘small vats’) before bed and then the dog kept having to go out because he ate something he shouldn’t have and then Drews body decided to go into full on spasms for an hour… which was terrifying and frustrating A) because I was tired and just wanted to sleep with the precious time I had left in bed B) I was supposed to be leaving for the airport in a few very short hours (unlike tall hours) C) because feeling someones body go into involuntary muscle contraction for an elongated period of time is rather unnerving and D) did I mention I was supposed to go get paid to play with kids at a camp for 2 days with the best crew ever? Needless to say, in that moment I was anxious and afraid… I forgot that there is peace to be held, even in moments that are out of my control… especially in the moments that are out of my control.

In John 14:25-27 (what is with me and scripture lately? Its a thing guys… its happening… get used to it) Jesus gives us a reminder… of our reminder-

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Sam used this verse in his sermon on Sunday and it hit my heart so hard in the ‘wee small hours of the morning’ this morning… I have the word Shalom or Peace tattooed on my left wrist in Hebrew BECAUSE of this verse and I STILL forgot that I need to trust in Gods promise, plan, protection and peace. But fear was shouting all kinds of nasty things as I debated about staying or going, going or staying...

As I laid in bed (truly it was morning and not night by this point), I surrendered the struggle, made the decision to stay in LA and not go to Wisconsin (which was heart breaking and hard) In that moment The Holy Spirit reminded me of the peace only he can give. I breathed it in, letting go of my contrived sense of control, and rested in the fact that there is a purpose to all things…the alternative is chaos in my mind. I took action and got ahold of all the people I needed to and do you know what their response was? “Kelsey, don’t worry, sending you love. It’s what you needed to do in this moment, and it was the right thing to do - something positive will come of it all. Sending you all the good vibes”

I MEAN COME ON!

It was confirmation of promise and peace. Fear told me that everyone would be mad, disappointed and this client (whom I love) would never work with me again… but ultimately it was a point of connection welded in the fires of vulnerability… Another thing I forget all the time. Vulnerability, showing up honestly and without pretense, will (9 times out of 10) yield connection and bring peace where there had been fear, frustration, or tension…but that is a post for another day.

My question in closing is this- How will you remember?

May I suggest- Write yourself reminders, leave them on your night stand and read them before you go to sleep. Go old school and write them on your hand. Put them on a post-it note inside your closet or inside a cupboard. Set them as a backdrop on your phone, get them printed onto a phone case. Have a friend you trust set a reminder in their phone to text you once a week to tell you the thing you need to hear. Get yourself a Happy Planner and put ALL the quote stickers in it. There are about a million ways you can give yourself the gift of remembrance… what will it hurt to try one?

xx

she kept herself small pt. 1

There once was a girl who was vibrant and full of life. She liked being barefoot more than almost anything and had an imagination that could transform the ordinary into the extraordinary. She sang to the trees and cherished the sun which crisped her tender skin in the Summer.

She was a dreamer, this girl. She used her wild imagination to paint a life in the future that was bold, bright, full of color and possibility. Only the expanse of the sky could contain all she dreamed, all she hoped for. It stretched itself wider, a canvas for her to paint on, shimmering with wonder.

As she grew up, the world around the girl seemed to get smaller. Her dreams became less vivid behind the clouds of doubt, fear, shame, guilt and ‘reality’ that started to fill her clear blue sky. She began to feel like Alice, staring at a bottle labeled ‘drink me’… the contents of which would make her small enough to ‘fit’ inside the world around her. She knew she didn’t want to ‘drink what the bottle had to offer (as it were), but she felt she had no choice. Everyone she knew told her it was for her own good, it was what was expected and for the best… she should know better than to dream. Out of her deep desire to belong she bound her mind, using books and words, opinions, beliefs and operating systems to drown out the call of her heart.

She was no longer, but she was somehow still.

Every now and again she would look up, the clouds of doubt and fear would begin to part and she would remember her dreams, she would feel their warmth bringing her back to life, stirring the desire to grow and take up space within her. She would close her eyes as a warm breeze kissed her on the cheek, whispering in her ear, “Remember who you are. Remember who I created you to be… My sweet girl, you were made for so much more…Don’t you remember?”.

Emboldened by The Spirit she began to dream again, to speak to the sky, trying to clear the clouds that had formed over head. But they were thick and heavy, growing darker and more near as she shouted in longing to the sky. “Who do you think you are?” They shouted back… “you are small and insignificant, you are not worthy to speak to the sky. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” Those words thundered in her chest, shattering her from the inside, breaking her back down.

She was no longer, but she was somehow still…

The girl found places to hide from the clouds and their cruel words, she went inside and rarely ventured out... she believed this would keep her safe. Years passed, the girl missed her sky and the spark inside of herself but she was too afraid to risk the process of becoming.

The sky, who existed outside of time and space, waited. Patiently. Tenderly. It remained behind the clouds the girl had allowed to form around her, hoping one day she would step outside and look up.

SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT

Do you ever have those moments where you wake up and think, “wait… did that just happen? Is it over?" We feel this way after major life events- weddings, big birthdays, vacations- or little sparks of magic that burst inside of the every day.

I feel like I have that sensation more and more as my heart is cracked open and I become aware of all the beauty life holds. I had that familiar feeling just the other day laying by the pool at the Oasis in Ojai seconds after everyone left the house. I had it this morning when I opened my eyes in my own bed… even now I shake my head and think… “wait… how is it already over? Did it really happen? How is that possible?”

This past ‘weekend’ I had the honor of attending and working on a retreat hosted by Amy Tangerine and facilitated by my dear friend Kara Elise- two of the most incredible women on the planet I am convinced. Going into the retreat I had little to no idea of what to expect. All I knew was Kara was doing the food, we were going to stay at this insane house in Ojai (which is my happy place anyways) and that I was (technically) there to do AromaTouch for a group of women who were coming together for the Craft A Life You Love Retreat. Oh… and did I mention that most of the other women are professional PLANNERS and SCRAPBOOKERS!?!? I 1000% chose the wrong career.

When Kara reached out about coming to do AromaTouch I said yes- without hesitation- YES. It turns out, every woman in attendance had the same reaction when they were invited to the event… which says something pretty powerful don’t you think? The crazy thing is, we are all SO different and yet the same. We all made each other laugh and cry about a thousand times in the two days we shared together- a reminder that it doesn’t matter where you come from or who you ‘are' as long as you bring all that you ARE in and remain open.

The magic began the moment Kara and I arrived at the house. We got there a day early to get things ready, pack swag bags, sit by the pool (because we knew we would be busy during the retreat itself) and relax before everyone else arrived… I mean, can you blame us? Its Ojai and the house IS an Oasis after all. ANYWAYS- that part doesn’t really matter all that much… what blows my mind are the days that followed.

We relaxed together, crafted together, wined and dined with one another, had workshops and reflections…

Amy brought her power, her vision and creativity to the table. She taught us to let go of our desire for perfection, to embrace our mistakes (because there is a sticker for that… OBVIOUSLY) and reminded us that we can do absolutely anything we want, we can truly Craft A Life (we) You Love (gotta keep it on brand guys, come on).

Kara nourished us body and soul with her insanely yummy food and insanely deep table questions. At dinner the first night we all answered the question, “What are you savoring in life right now? Or what do you wish that you were savoring”, the second night at dinner she asked, “What is one quality you love about yourself? Once you answer turn to the woman on your left and tell her one quality you have seen in her this ‘weekend’” … So good right? Don’t worry she will be publishing a deck of Table Question Cards soon! On our final day Kara lead us through a workshop around the word HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired… the things you need to think about anytime you feel anxious or stressed. We also talked about the Enneagram with our Fears and Drivers and how our greatest weakness is often our greatest strength (this will be talked about more in a later post, I promise).

Kara B. (literally her last names starts with a B, I’m not rating her, don’t be rude) gave us LIFE. Her humor, her presence, her light. I have a feeling she doesn’t even know how radiant of a human she is- Kara, you are RADIANT… you are amazing and fun, funny and a gift to all who know you- Also, she makes donuts for a living so maybe that has something to do with how magical she is.

Stacy… UGH I want you all to know her! I am adopting her and keeping her forever. She is the most incredible, humble, wise and wonder-filled woman. She lead us through a workshop on the stories we love. How we can take a picture and go through the ‘facts’ or choose to remember and capture its story. A memory is so much more than the date, time, and location… it is the feelings, the smells, the sensation, the emotions, the environment, and so much more. She encouraged us to take a moment and look at a random photo in our phone and really remember it. We all went around and told our stories with tears running down our faces, which was wild because the photos on their own weren’t the MOST emotive, but in their stories they came alive. Do yourself a favor and listen to her podcast… it will make your life better, I promise.

The cutest pool photos by were snapped by Ographer

Mo brought us joy in sticker form and in the radiance of her spirit and smile. She also gave an impromptu class on ‘drip’ email campaigns which was fascinating.

Hannah helped us balance our indulging with yummy yoga flows and her posing on the watermelon floaty in the pool gave us all life!

Alisha captured the ‘weekend’ with her camera and curiosity. Also she is just amazing in general… so there was that.

Kaylas steadfast spirit and presence were a beautiful tether for us all. I left the weekend needing to know SO much more about her but feeling connected all the same.

Stephanie taught us about strength, beauty, embracing life, and what it means to create something special out of something ‘ordinary’… She also taught us a lesson on what happiness is, it is simple and found in the unexpected… like in a ‘planner’…I am 1000% going to move into The Happy Planner studios now by the way, if you are looking for me that is where I will be- up to my elbows in stickers and planner pages (it’s definitely a cult and I am joining!).

Oh, AND I had the honor of slathering them all in oil and working with their energy (one at a time, totally rated G, don’t worry). It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it! GUH- All the feels.

The reason this retreat was so special was that we all showed up. We brought our ‘ness’, we took out time from our every day lives to learn from one another, listen and speak over each other. To nourish and be nourished. As Kara likes to say we ‘took our seat at the table’ and as Amy likes to say, we ‘savored’ every moment.

Do yourself a favor, take a second and look up each of these incredible women, they are inspiring and will bring joy to your life. The end.

xx

P.S. I kept using the term ‘weekend’ because the retreat was Monday-Wednesday… but we all referred to it as a weekend the WHOLE time… you just can’t help it when you are at a place like the Oasis, it always feels like a weekend there I am pretty sure.

STILL

This morning started like so many others. The alarm went off, I refused to listen, rolled over and snuggled my dog for five delicious minutes before guilt got under the covers and shoved me out of bed. And so the morning went- yoga, breakfast, coffee, get around, more coffee and a walk with a friend, running around town, lunch…go, do, move… and then I sat down.

Amanda Lindsey Cook opens her song House On A Hill with these words-

It's quiet
In this house upon a hill
You won't mind it
Some things you can't know till you're still
In the silence
Where your spinning thoughts slow down
In the stillness
Things have a way of working out

Full transparency. My dad sent me this song a while back (cute, I know) and I just listened to it, like actually listened, not had-it-on-in-the-back-ground-while-doing-seventeen-other-things kind of listening. And you guys, it 1000% wrecked me. Like, tears falling down my face, mascara burning my eyes, sent to everyone I know because it is that moving, ‘SHOOK’ as the kids would say, #wrecked.

Why? Who really knows… but I have a suspicion.

When I sat down earlier, wedged between the couch and the coffee table, it was with the intention to be still. To listen. To quiet my mind and body so that my soul could better hear what God, the Divine, Creator, was whispering. I felt myself ‘settle in’ read- I was in my body, present, aware of being and breath, truly for the first time in…days? Maybe? Rather non-ironically I then read these words, “In the busyness of everyday life we can become blind and deaf to the river of life that flows in a and around us all”… I mean… come on.

The line I bolded in the lyrics above is one of those truths we all know, but often choose to ignore. “Some things you can't know till you're still” The thing is, stillness allows us to take the blinders off and pull out our airpods… I mean earplugs (see what I did there?) so that we can see our lives with clarity and hear what our souls are saying… Stillness helps us mend the split between our heads and our hearts*.

That is the thing for me. The thing I feel when I don’t take time for prayer and meditation- time to be still. I feel a split begin to form inside of me. It starts small and unassuming, but before I know it my head and my heart are on opposite sides of the souls grand canyon shouting at one another but neither can really make out what the other is saying. This, of course, leads to frustration and confusion, short temperedness, dissatisfaction and distorted desires. It is a sense of agitation which, inevitably, leads to anxiety.

There is a reason stillness has been a thing since the dawn of time. Like, if you want to get biblical about it, God rested. GOD was still. Maybe thats why it says in Psalms 46:10 (that is a bible verse btw, not like a latitudinal location), “Be STILL and know that I am God.” I don’t know what you believe in. Quite frankly, I’m not over here trying to ‘convert you’ to anything with this post (ok…maybe I am a little bit), but I would encourage you to be open… take what is meant for you and leave the rest. I would encourage you to take time to sit, breath, and be still.

As I typed that I was reminded of something that happened in Yoga the other week, and I will close with this thought.

The instructor began class, as so many do, by having us set an intention… mine was, uncharacteristically “to be still” the words welled up inside of me, more knowing than thought. And so we flowed and I held the postures in stillness and breath, not rushing, not pushing, but settling in, finding stillness. At the end of class, during the closing meditation, I saw in my minds eye a raging ocean inside of my chest. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and heard God whisper to quiet the waters. “Remember” he said. “Remember my power and presence, remember to be still and know…”

I forget all the time.

xx

*The idea of a split between our heads and our hearts really struck me and I am sure I will write more about it later… In ‘The Spiritual Disciplines Handbook’ Adele Ahlberg Calhoun talks about how that split begins to heal when one seeks Spiritual Direction or counseling.

YOU.ARE.HERE

While sitting in the Apple Store deleting things off my computer so I could back things up to the cloud… or whatever, I stumbled across this moment. This piece I wrote while sitting on the floor of my walk in closet with life outside the door falling apart. Reading these words brought tears to my eyes. I remember this day, I remember the light from my bathroom filling the small space where my yoga mat was laid out- between the rows of hung and folded clothing… my feet starting to tingle from sitting crosslegged too long… I remember the girl I was, the fear in my heart, the unspoken anxiety and sadness stirring like an unsettled sea inside of me.

The past two and a half years has healed so much. Life has changed infinitely for the better and I, by the grace of God, am no longer the scared girl I was then… though I still resonate with her words, I still believe them with my whole heart and they were the perfect reminder for me today… a gift from my past self to my present. I hope they are a good reminder for you too.

…

I don’t know about you, but in my mind the world used to be a more simple place where you grew up in a community and it shaped you and you figured out who you were, where you were, and how you fit in the world... now we are individuals fighting to be something or go somewhere... it is exhausting.

How are we supposed to know who we are if we are constantly changing to fit a group of people, a job, a status, a ‘life style’? How can we survive or have REAL meaning if we are hopping from place to place never really landing on anything solid, never putting down roots so we can grow. “Thats just the world today” thats what the news and social media would lead us to believe. Do more things, gain more followers, go more places, be MORE of a person on social media, all the while you cease to realize that you are sacrificing having real friendships, experiencing the moments and places you are going to and, worst of all, you cease to recognize yourself.

You are more.

You are breath and body.

You are soul and spirit.

You are a heart that beats.

Eyes that see.

Ears that hear.

You. are. here.

... I am here.

I feel like I forget that sometimes…a lot of times… I get wrapped up in the logistics of living, the big picture, the long game... and I forget to breath (no seriously, I forget to physically breath, it is a problem).

If you are quiet for a moment... if you are still... you will hear it, you will feel it. Your soul is begging you, your body is aching, for you to accept who you are, where you are, what you are... every fiber, every flaw, every beautiful, fucked up character trait matters, they are your teachers and friends, they guide and grow you.

We are on a planet and that is a wondrous thing (shout out to Pete Holmes and Rob Bell).

This is a reminder to myself... As I sit on my yoga mat, in my closet, listening to the sound of traffic pass by on the other side of the door.

*take a deep breath*

Now...

Go.

xx

LIE TO ME

I started writing this out in a ‘pages’ document… if I were being smart I would have used google docs because, lets be honest, they are superior in every way and keep you (and by you I mean me) from wasting precious space on your (my) already-too-full hard drive. I wasn’t going to share what I am feeling/processing/going through, because it is ‘ugly’ and I don’t have answers or a bow to tie on the proverbial paragraphs that follow.

You should all know something about me, I do this thing, I masterfully fold words and sentences into origami birds distracting you with clever language and interesting ideas. It is a ‘hat trick’, a con of sorts… but I’m not trying to fool you… I am trying to fool myself. When I started typing this morning I saw the sentence ‘I am writing this here so that I tell the truth’… surely I didn’t type that? Surely my sub-conscious couldn’t be so quick as to over ride my conscious mind and allow that sentence to flow through my finger tips and appear on the screen!? And yet… there it was… and now, here we are.

Did I ever tell you that, this past fall, I became a certified yoga instructor through an organization called Holy Yoga? I know- LOL- the name is hilarious and literally laughable (sorry Brooke… I do love you and HY so much). When I started the training I had absolutely no idea what I was in for. I chose HY because it fit my schedule and I told myself that I chose it because I wanted to learn anatomy (… said no one ever). But I was called to it… from the moment my friend Jackie told me about the program I knew I needed to do it and my soul knew why but my mind was not comfortable with that reasoning so it made up a cover story to con me into thinking I was there for some other reason… confused yet? Try living in my brain, it is exhausting.

Behind the scenes photo at, probably, 3 or 4a.m. of Andy Deluca

At any rate, I did the training… and it changed my life. I (literally) saw the face of Jesus, heard God speak and came away feeling utterly transformed (if you want to know more, email me, I’m more than happy to share). So much of my shadow side was illuminated through that process. I saw parts of myself that I had long ago hidden away or dressed up to disguise the ugly truth of my being. I tell you all of this because we did something at immersion (yoga teacher training camp basically) that was so beautiful and transformative…something that I want to bring into my life on a more realistic level- we held confession. I KNOW… Had I not experienced it I would be judging the shit out of it too. However, I can’t, because it was gorgeous.

Sitting in a room with 7 other women, writing our confessions on pieces of paper, telling the group our story, placing the paper into a bowl of water and watching it dissolve, melt, disappear, before our eyes would have been extraordinary… but then being anointed with oil and prayed over made the already vulnerable experience transcendent.

Do you know what I confessed that day? I confessed that I am (was) a liar. I lied all my life to protect myself. I lied to save face, to impress, to keep people at a safe distance, to control… and do you know something, it never worked. The worst part is, is that when you lie to protect yourself, you start lying to yourself and things get really blurry.

To all of you who I have lied to- I am sorry. I won’t flourish or justify, I will leave my apology simple and true. You deserved better from me and I would like to ask your forgiveness…

And to myself I would say the same… I’m so sorry for lying to you…Can you please forgive me?

In total forgiveness and love,

Kelsey Zahn

TACO TREE

There is a tree outside the window of my husbands office. Its leaves look like tiny green (hard) taco shells sprouted off the spindly branches. Small light green ‘berries’, for lack of a better term, burst through the leaves in clusters. This tree would have fascinated me as a child; I would have plucked the berries and mashed them into ‘medicine’ or ‘poison’ while playing pretend with my friends. But as an adult this tree has seemed rather unremarkable…until today.

Today, as I sat sipping my afternoon coffee and journaling the sticky feelings lodged in my chest, I looked up at the tree and noticed something strange- It is dead and alive AT THE SAME TIME. Don’t get me wrong, I have several house plants that are currently existing in a partially dead, partially alive state, but this is different somehow. Seemingly heathy branches, full of taco shell leaves and alien grapes (that is how I view the berries), end in long, thin, brittle twigs. There is death, attached to life.

I immediately wanted to climb the tree with a pair of pruning sheers and give it a nice hair cut… but then I remembered that I haven’t climbed a tree in approximately a decade and I don’t own pruning sheers, which makes that task a bit problematic.

Then I began to think about how this tree is like me… sprouting new life everywhere (and obsessed with tacos)… but allowing old, dead things that no longer serve it to cling on, stealing much needed energy from the areas of growth.

Why do I still care how other people think of me?

Why do I allow others do define my worth?

Why is it that I can have grace and love for everyone else but not myself?

It is because, in those moments, I am allowing fear and darkness in… I’m not honoring the truth of my being. I am seeing only the dead branches and not the beauty of the life surrounding it.

The truth is- I am chosen, I am known, I am enough, I am loved. Cliche perhaps, but also remarkably important to realize… on a daily basis.

There is a verse in Colossians (didn’t expect that now did you… me either, its fine) that says- “He reconnected you back to himself. He released his supernatural peace to you…”

When I get in this space I am choosing to disconnect from my source, from my identity, from the essential truth of my being and it creates dissonance, anxiety, stress, and fear… When I choose to reconnect, to honor that I am a Divine creation, perfectly and beautifully created- just like the tree outside- I can flourish and rest in his ‘supernatural peace’.

There needs to be death so that new life can come into existence. There needs to be reconnection when we find ourselves disconnected.

What ‘death’ is hanging on in your life? I for one have a little pruning that needs to be done.

xx

WONDER

It was late... like 10:30 pm... which is basically dawn by my old lady standards. I had spent much of the evening reflecting on the year so far, thinking about the remaining year ahead, writing out goals and dreams for the future, while honoring the past. My head was awkwardly propped on Drews chest and I found myself listening rather intently to the beating of his heart.

Have you ever listened to a heart beat? 

 When I was little I would curl up on my dads lap and listen to his heart, listen to his words echoing inside his chest, rumbling from the core of his being, out into the universe. Listening to Drews heart brought me back to that place- a space of child like wonder. 

Isn't it amazing that we have a heart that beats!? It pumps blood through our bodies, it keeps us alive in more ways than one. Your 'heart' as an organ is incredible. Your 'heart' as an abstract concept is awe inspiring. 

You feel with your heart. Your heart inspires passion, delight, love, and pain (aka heart ache). If you are quiet and listen, you will hear its quiet voice guiding you. 

Among the (many) incredible facts about your heart is that you can change it. You can build and strengthen it- it is a muscle after all. You can be good to your heart or cause damage. 

Over the course of this year I want to look at everyday things and find the 'wonder' buried inside of them. There is magic hovering just beneath the surface, if only we take the time to look. 

Here is to your heart. Honor the rhythm of its beating. Listen to the intention vibrating inside your chest. What is it trying to say? Do you need rest? Do you need comfort? Do you need to strengthen your heart? How can you start? 

Light and delight. 

xx

BEHIND THE VEIL

Have you ever felt like there is a word on the tip of your tongue but you can't seem to say it? It rolls around in your mouth, over the rugged terrane of your teeth,  floating over your lips, so real you can taste it, but you simply can't say it. The word has substance and lacks form or sound. It is a strange sensation. 

You have no idea what I'm talking about and think I should see someone about this condition? Fair.

Ok, try this one on for size-

Have you ever known something... yet the thought is shrouded in fog, buried under silken layers of gray smoke? You know it is there but you just can't seem to fully see it. My friend Court describes this sensation as having something "behind a veil". 

It is as if your life is a play. You have spent months, years, decades, writing, rehearsing, shed blood sweat and tears, to get to opening night. You take your seat in the audience and wonder what will be behind the curtain. Will the show go up on-time? Will things turn out as you hoped? Will the work have been worth it? Only then you realize you are in the wrong auditorium. 

This is where I'm at. It is so frustrating. I pride myself on being an eloquent person and every time I try to speak about what this is, what I feel in my bones, in my soul, words fail me. It is the unknown, known. I KNOW it is there, but I don't know what it is. There is an undeniable longing to see, taste, hear, feel whatever it may be. It is Divine- God, Spirit, Truth, Gene (heeeeyyyy Gene). I feel crazy saying that... er... writing that, but at the same time it makes more sense to me than any other thing I can come up with. 

Words are fail to come. I push out sentences thinking, "wait... is that what I am trying to say? I don't think it is... maybe it is... oh fuck it!" HA! That is where I usually end up- fuck it- apathy, resistance, avoidance... ooooohhh man, that is IT isn't it!? I know that the answers I am seeking are on the other side of surrender. That if I am still, if I am quiet, if I ask, if I listen, things will start to unfold.

What is behind the veil in your life? What are you waiting for? What are you resisting? I'd love to know. 

DO HAVE BE | BE DO HAVE

I have the itch to write, to journal all the things that are sloshing through my mind. Journalling, while cathartic, often frustrates me because by the end of my mental tirade my hand is cramping and my writing is illegible. You know what I am talking about right? You start things off- Dear Diary... blah blah blah- and then, before you know it, your words look like squiggles and you don't know how point 'A' turned into point 'G', it is mental mayhem on the page. 

This morning I am thinking a lot. By now I am sure that you are aware of my overly introspective mind and this morning is no exception. Dense emotion clouds my vision, I feel the waters of my soul become over grown... perhaps it is the swampy nature of the south run amuck in my 'inner world'. Then again, maybe its just a casual Monday full of deep thoughts...

I can't remember if I mentioned before, but my coach (heeeey Jon!) has been talking to me a lot about 'ways of being'. Most people operate out of a "Do, Have, Be" mentality that says- I DO this so that I can HAVE X, Y , and Z, and then I will BE happy and content. This mindset is a recipe for dissapointment, so says Jon and I, to my own chagrin, agree with him. Jon suggests (or rather some coach Jon learned from suggests) a "Be, Do, Have" way of existence. That is to say that our way of BEING dictates what we DO and thus resulting in the things we HAVE. I much prefer this . mindset as I am rather, 'hippie dippie' as my mother would say, and it feels organic and natural. However, the other mindset, the DO mindset is so rampant in our society that I struggle in disconnecting my way of BEING from DOING. 

DO= Definition in our society. "What do you DO" they ask you, as if what you DO will allow them to know everything about you. The truth is, it simply allows them to categorize you into a slot in their brain- "Drew is a designer.", "Kelsey does hair", "Augusta is a photographer", "Alissa makes notebooks". These things, while parts of us, do not define our BEINGS. 

Today the questions winding through my brain are as follows:
1- Who am I committed to being? (clarity inside)
2- What will I do? (Actions leading to clarity outside)
3- What choices am I making so that I can have the life (things etc) that I envision? (Results)

The question that trumps them all... excuse me, allow me to rephrase that... The biggest question of course is- What is my vision and what am I committed to? 

For a long time I didn't have a vision and the only thing I was committed to was 'staying safe'. Which translates into me allowing others to dictate my life and giving up MY choice to them. This habit, this mindset is serving no one, least of all myself. 

All of this, of course, connects back to my last post about choice and how definitive it is in our lives. What are you choosing? Who are you committed to being? 

Food for thought until next time. 
xx