Raise your hand if you feel torn like your favorite t-shirt caught on a fence post...
I feel this way A LOT. Like, a lot, a lot.
My personality tends to see all of the sides to all of the things. I am an excellent debater, wether I am for or against an issue because I can (some how) empathize with both sides (not on all matters, obviously, but many... we won't be speaking of politics today because there are sides to that triangle I just can't understand). If you need council on a boy friend situation, I'm your girl, I'll help you weed through all the issues growing in what should be the relational garden of your life. If you are struggling with a job, lets talk it out. If you don't know how to feel about yourself, your path, your image, your purpose... I'm here, let talk.
BUT... when it comes to deciding these things for myself... I get so conflicted.
I wonder if it is because I am an A/B personality, controlling but also relaxed, perhaps it is because I am the middle child, or because I am (as my friend Mar says) "the two-est, two, who has ever two-ed" (I am a helper, to my own detriment at times).
It is funny how we can 'give' to others what we ourselves need, but somehow there is a disconnect when it comes to giving those things (grace, love, generosity) to ourselves. There is a phrase in the Bible, "do unto others as you would do unto yourself"... the problem is, most of us are terrible to ourselves! How can we love others if we don't love ourselves? I think this is rooted in disconnection, we don't want to deal with our struggles, with our problems... we avoid and disconnect by staying busy and 'solving' other peoples 'issues'.
There is a phrase which is spouted off by virtually every motivational speaker, religious leader and yogi, but this idea rings true to my soul so I suppose I can't cast too much shade, "the only way out is through". Why is this idea so true, you may be wondering... well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you go around things, instead of through them, you haven't changed... you still have the problem you started with, you haven't learned from it, grown through it, or changed your path, you have simply buried it deeper inside your being. We are not unlike plants, we need care in order to thrive. If we don't care for ourselves, let others care for us, we will wither and die. When we bury things deep within our beings, when we disconnect from ourselves, we develop 'root rot', we fall apart and become toxic, often manifesting in anger, bitterness, self loathing, shame, etc.
Today I want to connect with myself, hold space for myself, love myself... you know, so I can love others. The more time I spend in the world the more I realize that when I hold things too tightly (when I don't give them space), I struggle to find my way through them. If I (we) hold space within ourselves (for ourselves) there is more room to move, to go 'through'. Same goes for self love and self care... how can we love and care for others if we don't love and care for ourselves!? Ya feel!?
What conflict are you facing? Is it personal? Professional? Familial? Relational?
Whatever it may be, try to look at it through the lens of growth. Conflict and struggle are terrible, but also amazing, like your aunt who called you fat when you were little (out of her own insecurity) but then taught you how to be a strong, beautiful woman as you grew up (teaching you from her own struggle). There is freedom woven in the ropes that bind us, the trick is realizing that the ropes aren't as strong as we think... in fact... they may not even be binding you at all. Our greatest weakness's are our greatest strengths after all, so perhaps those ropes that once bound you will be woven into a beautiful tapestry you can hang on the wall (to remind you of how far you have come).
Here is to you dear reader, to your struggle, to your conflict, may you find the grace you need in today.
xx
